SELF, I Forgive You

Many years had past and yet you are still on your thrown; you are still wearing your crown. This year, you are fighting the same silent battle you haven’t finished from the previous years. You still remain resilient and unscathed. Those wounds inside your heart are the proofs you fought in that unending battle. Did you count how many times I doubted your abilities and wit? How many times I thought you can’t answer the hanging question of your professor because you were not really prepared enough or not smart enough? How many times we let those opportunities passed like a dust blown by the mighty wind? How many times you can’t sleep at night because I taunted you? How many times I said I wish, I wasn’t you? How many times we fought? How many times I said to you that you can’t because you’ll only just fail when in fact you really can? We can’t almost count everything.

Why did I let you be the slave of your anxiety and depression?

But Self, I have already forgiven you. I’ve learned how to love your flaws, imperfections, and weakness. I’ve learned to accept that you are the only person who’s responsible for yourself and not other people. I’ve learned that people will leave us but we will stay together until our very last breath.

Self, you have a lot of battles to fight for and chains to break in but promise me you will always remain strong? You can win every battle. You can save yourself from doubts. I know you will succeed.

This time, I am finally going to say this to you

Self, I believe in you.

No matter how many failures we’ve encountered while venturing in the process. Please always remember to stand with dignity and think that the process will make you stronger. Always remember every mistake, wrong decision, indecisiveness and uncertainties you made… I am always ready to forgive you.

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Plaster Saint

The moon has witnessed my dark secrets.
It stops lurking every night.
The dark prison where I ensconced myself
becomes more murkier and darker.
What if the moon revealed my secrets?
Everyone must be terrified.
for they are not expecting
that a guy like me,
can drive his car on the muddy road
I am undeniably a plaster saint.
But everyone has a secret to keep,
truer words shall never be revealed
Who says truth will set us free?
if it always taunts you whenever you close your eyes?
Last night, I heard his voice
he sounds like a ventriloquist.
I saw his atrocious visage
I can describe him to you
but he stole my words.
If I will draw him on my paper
smeared with my blood,
it must be an angelic face
with an invisible horns.
He speaks different language.
I must be terrified for it was a curse
but I was not.
I did something morally abhorrent,
it was my karma, my consequences.
And I have to face it tomorrow
Only if I will wake up.

Words by: CJ Sanchez
Photo: Copy to the owner

Not Even You

You think
I am okay?
No, I’m not.
You think
Everything is okay?
No, it’s not.
You think
All is okay
when in fact
It’s not.
I’ve blinded you
with my pretentious smile.
I thought true friends
can see the sadness in your eyes?
I think,
not all.
Not
everyone.
Not
Even you.

A Message for Those People Who Secretly Hate Me

I have an odd fashion taste. I love doing strange poses. I have my own unique writing style. I love reading books. I love being unique and creative. Everyone can be creative, I know. Everyone has their talent waiting to be unleashed. Some of my friends find me too cocky, though they aren’t telling frankly but I can read it based on their plain, uninterested, pretentious, and frowning faces. Some of them appreciates me. I’m not trying to impress everyone. The way I wear my clothes, the way I pose when the camera is on me are just the product of my creativity and oddness. I write poems because that’s the only thing I know I can express myself freely. I read books to somehow avoid my anxiety, overthinking, and my suicidal thoughts. I didn’t know that even to the things I love, people will judge me.

 

The truth is, I no longer care about what other people think about me.
We have to accept that, this world is full of narrowminded people and order to survive? You have to deal with them instead of hating them too. Some people will hate you for no reason. You don’t have to compete just to prove yourself to those naysayers you really can because that would be pointless. People will say bad things about you no matter how good you think you are. I’ve been judged because they think I was arrogant, conceited, narcissistic, assuming and imperious.

They don’t like me because I have an odd fashion sense. They don’t like me because I have a weird taste of books and movies. They hate me because I can do those things that ordinary people can’t. I let them hate me. Perhaps, the reason why they hate me was because I am extraordinary. I’m not doing things for recognition or praise. I do it because I love it and because it is my happiness. I wasn’t showcasing my capabilities for praise and compliments.

I just have to think that maybe God has a reason why he let me live with these toxic people. Maybe he’s preparing me for something big challenges to come in the mere future. Maybe he wants me to become courageous. Maybe those words that they’ve thrown at me will make me stronger than before.

So, for those people who hate me. No matter how painful your words are, you won’t break my soul. I’m resilient and there’s no way you can bring me down again. One more thing, hate is a chronic illness. I hope you’ll get better soon.

A Poem for His Sad Soul

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Words by: CJ Sanchez

‪Someday,‬
‪I know.‬
‪You will find the love ‬
‪You’ve been seeking.‬
‪You will find the home‬
‪You’ve been longing.‬
‪You will find the right one‬
‪You’ve been praying.‬
‪Only if you will not be tired‬
‪Of waiting. ‬

‪Cause right things‬
‪always come unexpectedly.‬
‪It will knock on your door‬
‪while you are resting idly.‬
‪Be strong. Always.‬
‪Those dark brown eyes‬
‪that hide loads of secrets.‬
‪That soul who’s been afflicted.
That soul who survived many times in the battle‬,
‪will find a right place to dwell.‬

‪I want to whisper this‬
‪Before we part our ways.‬
‪I believe in you,‬
‪and I always will.‬

 

 

Counting Game

One, two, three
it’s me counting my feelings.
four, five, six
it’s me again counting the wounds you left.
seven, eight, nine
it’s still me counting my wasted tears.
Ten, eleven, twelve
it supposed to be a great love story.
thirteen, fourteen, fifteen
but we’re both so sorry
Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen
I said “I loved you” but you make fun of me.
Nineteen, twenty
As I stared at you, the truth I can see.
My fate whispers;
I can’t make you love me.

 

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The featured photo is mine.

Lasting Damage

Love can last for a long time but happiness only lasts for a second. Wherever the wind takes me and wherever the wind takes him, the sweet wound of yesterday will never be healed… will never be forgotten. This is not a mainstream love story that you usually read in a book where the boy left the girl because he wasn’t happy anymore to continue their relationship. This is other way around; I was the one who chose to walk away and for what reason? It’s because he was too perfect for me.
“I’m the luckiest guy in the world. Thank you, Mara!” he said while wiping his eyes using the hem of his shirt. I frowned, the poor guy has an iphone X but he doesn’t have a scarf to wipe his snout and tears. Kidding.
It was 15th day of February when I gave him my bittersweet “yes”. You are right. We were in some sort of Pilipinas Got Talent. I was the judge and he was the contestant. He needs to impress me. He needs to show what he’s got. His flaws. His true colors. His happiness. I have to scrutinize him whether he is enough for my yes and I guessed, he is. The truth is, I’m afraid of commitment but I love the idea of having someone who will look after me, who’ll text me sweet yet cheesy messages every morning. Nathan is every girl’s dream. He is utterly sweet and caring. There was a time I scolded him because he was too kind. It might sound lame and inconsiderate but that was the truth. Every time I am mad, he is too sweet. Every time I curse his name, he will just hug me and say “I love you”.
Our relationship lasted for 1 year. I broke up with him the same day and in the same place I allowed him to court me. That was also the second time I saw him crying in front of me. He did not cover his eyes just like the other guys do; those gloomy tears were coursing down to his both cheeks. It’s me who doesn’t deserve him. He was too kind for a reckless girl like me. He was too happy for a depressed girl like me. He has a lot of dreams while I don’t have one. He was submissive and caring, I was tactless. We were perfectly different. Sadly, different personalities sometimes tend to crush. I have no problem with Nathan, I have problem with myself. I think about his future with me. He has a guy who can easily reach his dreams and I don’t want to thwart him.

“Please, don’t leave me. You are my world. How will I ever start the day thinking that you are no longer on my side? How will I ever try to continue my life without you? Remember what I told you before? After we get our diploma, we will travel the world together. We will create millions of memories together with our children. Please, I don’t know how to wake up without my dream, without you.” His eyes were begging, full of questions, and full of sorrow.
“Before I leave, I want you to know how lucky I was. Even for a short period of time, God gave me a wonderful blessing in my life… it was you” I said while controlling myself not to cry. Of course, I have to pretend I am always strong, that even leaving him doesn’t affect me, though it breaks my heart into thousand pieces.
“But you know what Nathan? We have to understand that those people we valued most will eventually leave us behind but it doesn’t mean they don’t love us anymore. In fact, they have to leave because they love us too much. Ironic isn’t?”

I hold his hands which are too cold and pale. I wiped his tears and smiled at him for the very last time. Be strong. I wish, you will meet the right person for you. The one who won’t curse your name for being too kind. The one who will make you laugh. The one who will love you more than I do. She will come soon.
“Thank you for everything Nathan. Don’t blame yourself. It’s me who doesn’t deserve you.”

I sighed and turned my back at him, he tried to hug me but I shoved him away. He will be mad at me and I will not accuse him. I broke his precious heart but that’s not my intention. I caused too much pain in his heart and I know it’s a lasting damage.

 

Photo: copy to the owner