Lasting Damage

Love can last for a long time but happiness only lasts for a second. Wherever the wind takes me and wherever the wind takes him, the sweet wound of yesterday will never be healed… will never be forgotten. This is not a mainstream love story that you usually read in a book where the boy left the girl because he wasn’t happy anymore to continue their relationship. This is other way around; I was the one who chose to walk away and for what reason? It’s because he was too perfect for me.
“I’m the luckiest guy in the world. Thank you, Mara!” he said while wiping his eyes using the hem of his shirt. I frowned, the poor guy has an iphone X but he doesn’t have a scarf to wipe his snout and tears. Kidding.
It was 15th day of February when I gave him my bittersweet “yes”. You are right. We were in some sort of Pilipinas Got Talent. I was the judge and he was the contestant. He needs to impress me. He needs to show what he’s got. His flaws. His true colors. His happiness. I have to scrutinize him whether he is enough for my yes and I guessed, he is. The truth is, I’m afraid of commitment but I love the idea of having someone who will look after me, who’ll text me sweet yet cheesy messages every morning. Nathan is every girl’s dream. He is utterly sweet and caring. There was a time I scolded him because he was too kind. It might sound lame and inconsiderate but that was the truth. Every time I am mad, he is too sweet. Every time I curse his name, he will just hug me and say “I love you”.
Our relationship lasted for 1 year. I broke up with him the same day and in the same place I allowed him to court me. That was also the second time I saw him crying in front of me. He did not cover his eyes just like the other guys do; those gloomy tears were coursing down to his both cheeks. It’s me who doesn’t deserve him. He was too kind for a reckless girl like me. He was too happy for a depressed girl like me. He has a lot of dreams while I don’t have one. He was submissive and caring, I was tactless. We were perfectly different. Sadly, different personalities sometimes tend to crush. I have no problem with Nathan, I have problem with myself. I think about his future with me. He has a guy who can easily reach his dreams and I don’t want to thwart him.

“Please, don’t leave me. You are my world. How will I ever start the day thinking that you are no longer on my side? How will I ever try to continue my life without you? Remember what I told you before? After we get our diploma, we will travel the world together. We will create millions of memories together with our children. Please, I don’t know how to wake up without my dream, without you.” His eyes were begging, full of questions, and full of sorrow.
“Before I leave, I want you to know how lucky I was. Even for a short period of time, God gave me a wonderful blessing in my life… it was you” I said while controlling myself not to cry. Of course, I have to pretend I am always strong, that even leaving him doesn’t affect me, though it breaks my heart into thousand pieces.
“But you know what Nathan? We have to understand that those people we valued most will eventually leave us behind but it doesn’t mean they don’t love us anymore. In fact, they have to leave because they love us too much. Ironic isn’t?”

I hold his hands which are too cold and pale. I wiped his tears and smiled at him for the very last time. Be strong. I wish, you will meet the right person for you. The one who won’t curse your name for being too kind. The one who will make you laugh. The one who will love you more than I do. She will come soon.
“Thank you for everything Nathan. Don’t blame yourself. It’s me who doesn’t deserve you.”

I sighed and turned my back at him, he tried to hug me but I shoved him away. He will be mad at me and I will not accuse him. I broke his precious heart but that’s not my intention. I caused too much pain in his heart and I know it’s a lasting damage.


Photo: copy to the owner


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