To the One Who Loves Me Next

To the one who loves me next, I want to tell you frankly that I am impulsive.
I can be easily carried away by my own emotions. I easily lose my sense of proportion when I am absolutely mad and livid. I say words that I don’t really mean in the heat of the moment and I do regret it later. But I know when to swallow my pride and ask for apologies. I may be impulsive but I don’t like the idea of losing someone. Believe me, this is something that I have been trying to control but sometimes, some things get really out of my hand.

To the one who loves me next, I want to tell you that I overthink a lot. I create problems that don’t really exist. I always worry about my future and stress myself thinking about it. I always anticipate things and get easily paranoid. I’m a very anxious person and sometimes hard to deal with. So if you think that I am too hard to handle, I won’t blame you because there are times that really I don’t understand myself too.

To the one who loves me next, I love talking about books, literature, life, photography, movies, travels, arts, and Taylor Swift. I know you find these things tedious. But I won’t push you to love what I love. We are completely different person, it just that, fate agreed to collide our path. I would also love to try the things that you are wildly passionate about. I’ll celebrate with you on your biggest and tiniest victories. I will never force you to try the things that you don’t want just because I liked them. Instead, I’ll encourage you to follow your desires. Love is about supporting and respecting each other anyway.

To the one who loves me next,  I despise the taste of coffee. I may love the smell of it but no, I won’t bother drink it. But I love the idea of making coffees for you every morning before you go to work. It doesn’t matter if it’s the first thing that you will order during our dates. I also love the pineapples on pizza. It’s my guilty pleasure.

To the one who loves me next, I love taking pictures for keepsakes. I am the type of person who takes selfie a lot. So, don’t be shocked if I’ll ask you to take pictures with me.

To the one who loves me next, I appreciate small things. If you gave me something, I might cry. Yes, I’m such a crybaby. I say sorry a lot even though you’ve done nothing wrong to offend me.

To the one who loves me next, I have these insecurities and I always degrade myself. I am hoping you’ll be there to save me from the clouds of sadness and negativity.

To the one who loves me next, we’ll see each other in the right time, when we are both 100% ready to commit and ready to fall in love. We surely don’t wanna destroy what we built because we’re in a rush. I cannot wait to call you mine and call me yours. But for now, let’s enjoy life while we can because I guarantee you, everything will instantly change the moment that we meet.

Still, I’m looking forward to meet you.

Be safe.

Love,
to the one who’ll love YOU  next.

 

Burning bridges

You know what’s ironic? I told people not to take me for granted and here’s me, doing that damn thing to you. The tables have turned and I am doing everything for you to hate me.

I purposely did not respond to your calls and messages. I know it’s hurting you but believe me, it’s for your own good.

I realized, I was not ready to fall in love yet. I don’t have the courage to tell you that. Part of me is afraid of what could go wrong. I’m afraid of being neglected. I’m always anticipating things and that’s the problem with me. I keep believing these narrative in my head.

Maybe you noticed I was a bit cold lately. I made you feel I was not interested to the stories you shared about how panicked you were when your dog was puking, or how excited you were for our first official date when this quarantine is finally over. I wanted to tell you I appreciate all your efforts to entertain me, but I won’t. Am I guilty for doing these to you? 

You don’t have any idea how I can’t easily sleep because it keeps hunting me every night. It is not my intention to ruin everything we built together. I never wanted to hurt your feelings.

But I have to tell you this soon enough before everything is too late… and I’m ready to accept the consequences of losing a person whose intention is to only love me.

His Cup of Tea

The first time we met. I told him all my imperfections. About how I have scars and marks on my face; that I have anxiety that keeps taunting me every night. I told him my doubts, hatred, insecurities, and negativity.

“I am not what you think I am.” I uttered. I felt sorry for him. I only look good in pictures. I felt like I betrayed and lied to him. I’m someone who’s not worthy for his love.

I was expecting that he’s gonna despise me and walk away, leaving me utterly bereft. Instead, he smiled and stared at me. He was wearing brown shirt and black jeans. His hair was a bit curly and tousled and he smelled like summer.

He said, “the fact that you are saying it to me makes me even love you more.” His eyes were full of love and he meant it. I’m finally someone’s cup of tea.

That day, I felt accepted, loved, and admired. I’m glad I never change who I am just for the idea of being perfect in order to be loved.

CLONE

You want the truth?

The problem is not you.

 

 

Maybe I was just in love

with the idea of you

inside my head,

and I can not accept the fact

that—-

you can’t be that guy

which I thought you can be.

 

 

The idea of you

in my head is not real;

It’s all just in my head.

It’s all just an illusion.

 

 

You want the truth?

The problem is me…

I keep turning you to be the person

who lives inside me,

which

I know, is impossible to happen

yet I’m still trying.

 

featured photo: Claire Arce

No Regret

I asked him

the same question

before he left me.

 

I’m not trying to hurt anybody;

I’m not doing anything to anyone.

Why do people keep hurting me?

 

He just said,

This is bound to happen.

You don’t always receive love.

If there is smoke

there is fire.

 

and

just like that,

He left me hanging again.

 

Wondering

when he will come back

and ruin me like he always does

once he saw me

already getting over him.

but I’m still trying to convince

he is

worth the pain.

 

Photo: Summer Mckeen

Orgasm

The words keep lurking

and they are too strong to ignore.

They shouted

“Write me!

Write me!

Write me before I disappear.”

It took me a minute to ponder

“But you are not an interesting thought

and nobody cares about you.”

But they keep creating ruckus

until I found myself

not sleeping,

until

I turned them into a 

into a poem.

They are like an extreme orgasm

I cannot possibly

just ignore.

Downfall

He keeps coming back to me

like his old favorite song

that he only plays

when he is bored.

I warned myself

not to fall for his words

but I made an excuse

“It’s bound to happen

and it’s inevitable”.

I just created my own

downfall.

I thought I could play

with his feelings

and manage to win

the game.

I thought I was playing

with him.

I wasn’t aware

that he was my Karma

dressed up like

a guy that

I tried to fall for

me.

 

photo: Summer Mckeen

From a friend that you took for granted

I want to say sorry for not telling you the reason why I avoided you. I want to say sorry if I let you feel that you were nothing to me and I didn’t need you. I want to say sorry for not responding to your calls and messages. I want to say sorry for pretending that I was too busy and I didn’t have time to talk to you.

It’s just that, I want peace of mind, and if I only get it by distancing myself from you… then I would. I know you will never understand and I’m not expecting you to. I should’ve explained in the first place but it was too late and bickering about this issue is pointless.

You create too much heartaches that I have to deal with for couple of years.

You were the reason why I couldn’t sleep every night, why I always feel guilty, envious, and jealous.

I’m at this point in time wherein I’m no longer afraid of cutting down people who’re not good for my mental health. Dealing with them is emotionally draining.

Ever since you’re no longer part of my life. I’ve seen the clouds and rainbows. I felt free from the bitterness that weighed me down for years. I’ve seen new beginnings.  Ever since you’re no longer here, I learned how to forgive myself.

I knew you were mad.

I knew you were expecting that I’m gonna say sorry for treating you like this. I’ve never done this to you before.

I want you to know that I have already saved myself before you drown me again from your toxicity, or maybe I was the toxic here for acting like this and for not telling you the truth.

But I’m happy that you’re no longer part of my journey. I thought I’m gonna regret my decision but I didn’t know that I’m gonna feel proud of myself for making the right choice.

I made up my mind. I’m not gonna follow your footsteps. I’ll be venturing in my own path without you. I’ll follow my heart’s desires that you made me feel I’m not worthy for years. This time, I made up my mind to do this alone and without you telling me I should have done this or that; without you making me feel like worthless and not deserving of my dream. I’m not gonna let someone like you to ruin me again.

I’m really sorry for not telling you about this. I mean it from the bottom of my heart.  I still wish you best and luck for your future endeavor.

I hope we’ll never meet again.

 

Sincerely,

from friend that you took for granted.

VERSIONS OF PAIN

Lately, I had this hard-hitting realization about pain. I used to despise pain and I never wanted the idea of dealing with it. Who wants it in the first place? Who wants to see herself suffering terribly from the pain she doesn’t deserve?

Pain tastes vile, that’s all I know about it. It wakes you up in the middle of the night when the world is asleep, and you are torturing yourself, constantly asking why are you the only one who’s suffering when it’s supposed to be the both of you. It sings in your head every time you are trying to focus on your work. It flashes in your mind and reminding you that you don’t deserve to be happy. 

We were told that we should be good; we should be nice; so we will never experience pain. Little did we know that even the nicest people on earth also experience it. It’s one those things that they call… ‘inevitable”. No one in this world deserves pain but we need pain to grow.

At this point in time, I want to thank pain for teaching me these:

It’s because of this pain I have learned how to forgive.

It’s because of this pain I’ve learned how to appreciate to live.

It’s because of this pain I’ve learned to embrace my flaws and accept it as part of who I am.

It’s because of this pain I’ve learned how to survive.

Pain is my blessing in disguise. Pain has different version.

But the version of pain that I love, was the pain you brought me. It’s because of that pain I have learned how to write poetry.

So the next time pain knocks on my door. I’ll welcome it with my whole heart. I’ll let it stay for a while but I won’t let it change me. I am not my pain but pain is part of me.

You don’t deserve pain and I don’t either. But it’s because of it why you are the person you are today. 

There is no version of pain I don’t love.

//mythoughtseverynight

 

UNGRATEFUL

Last night,
When I was about to sleep
before I turn off the light
I talked to God.

“God, please give me a gold.”
and my God answered me,
“Okay, son… please wait”
I waited and God answered my prayers right away.
But I said,
“Thank you, God but this isn’t enough”

Last night
When I was about to sleep
before I turn off the light
I talked to God.

“God, please heal me and make me rich.”
God granted my wish again,
He said “Sure, my dear child… just wait”
So I waited and God never failed me.
He answered my prayers
But I said,
“God, thank you… but this isn’t enough”

Last night
When I was about to sleep
before I turn off the light
I talked to God.

I said, “God, why am I not happy?”
God just smiled at me…
Suddenly, I had some hard-hitting realization
I have everything I want,
I have everything I need.

The reason why I wasn’t happy
is because I asked too much;
I failed to see the value of everything;
I took the blessings for granted;
I was Ungrateful…

Last night
When I was about to sleep
before I turn off the light
I talked to God,
and… I cried.

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