His Cup of Tea

The first time we met. I told him all my imperfections. About how I have scars and marks on my face; that I have anxiety that keeps taunting me every night. I told him my doubts, hatred, insecurities, and negativity.

“I am not what you think I am.” I uttered. I felt sorry for him. I only look good in pictures. I felt like I betrayed and lied to him. I’m someone who’s not worthy for his love.

I was expecting that he’s gonna despise me and walk away, leaving me utterly bereft. Instead, he smiled and stared at me. He was wearing brown shirt and black jeans. His hair was a bit curly and tousled and he smelled like summer.

He said, “the fact that you are saying it to me makes me even love you more.” His eyes were full of love and he meant it. I’m finally someone’s cup of tea.

That day, I felt accepted, loved, and admired. I’m glad I never change who I am just for the idea of being perfect in order to be loved.


I don’t want to be overdramatic but for once I want you to remember me. I want you to remember those days we laughed at my silly shenanigans. I want you to remember those days I couldn’t hold back my tears and you let me cried on your shoulder. I want you to remember how I giggled over our cute selfies. I want you to remember how you frowned when I said, “I can’t. It’s impossible”. I want you to remember how you pretend to listen about the book I finished last night. I’m pretty sure you can’t relate because you hate reading. I want you to remember the first time I became brokenhearted over my crush who was already taken. You laughed at me and then you said “You’re too hopeless!”. You even gloated, “it was you who hurt yourself” you said. I want you to remember the day we listened to your favorite country songs that I couldn’t even decipher the lyrics and you were mad. You said I didn’t appreciate it. I want you to remember how we became engrossed in the movie we watched. I remember, that was the first time I saw you cried. You said, real men are not afraid to cry.

I want you to remember those crazy chats and text messages. I want you to remember my favorite songs. I want you to remember how we fought and you kept on messaging me, asking me if I was still mad. I want you to remember the days we just sighed. I want you to remember all of my dramas in life. I want you also to remember the first day we met. It also happened to be the first day of school and you were my seatmate. You asked if I had an extra pen and I just rolled my eyes. Well, who knows that you’ll be my best friend.

You know, you’re one of the best things that has ever happened to me. We were both an open book.   Now, you’re going somewhere far from me. It was your dream, isn’t? It was your dream job and your dream country.

I hope this time, you will remember me. I hope you will remember these. Maybe the next time we will meet again, we are both brave enough to say our feelings out loud. Maybe not.

They said, some people are not meant to stay in our life. So enjoy the days while they are here. I am glad. I did.


Photo: copy to the owner

To The Woman Who Taught Me Everything

To the woman who never gets tired of listening to my tantrums and complaints. To the woman who will never taunt me if I fall. To the woman who understands my weakness. To the woman who embraced my flaws. To the woman who listens to my outlandish dramas. To the woman who laughs at my not-so-funny jokes. To the woman who always ready to listen to my negativity. To the woman who I can always lean on. To the woman who taught me that there is hope. To the woman who taught me to pray and to have faith in God. To the woman who never gets tired of loving me. To the woman who has seen my dark sides yet still loves me ceaselessly. To the woman who never gives up. To the woman who’s teeming with knowledge and bountiful love. Thank you. Thank you for the sacrifices you have made so that we could have everything we needed. I am not who I am today without you. I love you. You’re God’s greatest gift for us. Happy Mother’s Day ♥️🌼🌸

Processed with VSCO with b5 preset
Processed with VSCO with b5 preset

Glimpse of Idea

Today, I walked pass the stranger and I wonder what he thinks about me when our gaze collided. Today, I answered my professor’s question and I wonder what she thinks about me. Today, I wonder what my friends think about me if we’re not together. Today, I wonder what my mom thinks about me when I was cozily sleeping on her bed. Today, I wonder what my father thinks about me when I sang his favorite song. Today, I wonder what God thinks about me whenever I say “I can’t continue anymore.”, “Life doesn’t make sense.” or “That’s it! I gave up.”. I wonder what He thinks about me whenever I am doubting myself. Today, I wonder what the devil thinks about me whenever I am praying. Today, I just wonder what people think about me. Can I dive deeper inside their minds and read every single word that they can say about me? Is that even possible?


I always wish I could read people’s mind. So that, somehow I could have that glimpse of idea of who I really am. Because you know what, the most painful thing is not losing yourself. It’s the idea of not knowing who you really are.

2018— Thank U, Next

Normally, for a teenager like me who’s standing on the precipice of adulthood. There are things that make me feel perplexed. There are
days I feel like as if I was walking on the pathless road without knowing what my purpose is.

2018 is one of those years where I experienced being depressed a lot of times. I also had mental breakdown and anxieties. Yet, I survived and I keep on telling that I will continue surviving for my dreams and for the people who are rooting for me.

I used to have this diary where I scribbled my thoughts but as I aged; I’ve realized that it’s not the bunch of blank notes and ballpen I really need but rather a person who I can lean on. A person who has two ears, two hands, and one heart to listen to my unending and outlandish dramas and shenanigans.

As 2018 comes to an end. Here are the 13 things that this year taught me:

1. Your dreams change.
2. Family is more important.
3. You will never decipher God’s ways. Instead of whining and complaining, trust Him instead.
4. If you have 20 friends, only 2 or 3 of them are the ones you can trust.
5. This may sound trite; some people in your life are visitors. Don’t taunt yourself if they chose to leave.
6. I have my two soul-sisters behind me.
7. Every journey has its own ending.
8. You’ll realize that you love yourself if something unexpected happens to you.
9. If you don’t want to regret your choice. Guard your thoughts and emotions.
10. Sadness is ephemeral so does happiness.
11. If your heart desires for something. It desires for a reason. However, be ready to pay the price. Not all success is free. Paulo Coelho once said in his book, “free cheese can only be found in a mouse trap”.
12. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea neither their first choice.
13. God is the author of my life. He knows when and how will my story end.

I once read a quote in our college textbook it says “the evidence of life is growth”. I’ll be 20 next year, who knows, 2019 could be the year that I’ve been waiting for. As of now, I’m kind of excited yet anxious because I’ll be embarking on another year. My empty jars are ready to be filled with memories.

But before I bid my goodbye to the year that is about to end, I have three words to say.


Thank U, next.

He Knows The Answer

I took my last glimpse of his naked body. It was as white as the color of the cloud in the sky when it is about to rain. His fingers were too cold on my bare skin and his lips were no longer red. Other part of me asked, how does it feel to live beneath the unfathomable void of nothingness?

He knows the answer.




photo: copy to the owner

The Truth About Hate & Forgiveness

We are surrounded by diverse people in our lives. No matter how hard we tried to avoid some of them, we still find ourselves apparently, inside their cabin. It must be hard for us to deny the truth, but we know somehow that these people, no matter how toxic they are. They still imparted a lesson for us. They are the reasons why we can forgive. They are the reasons why we can take the risk just to prove them wrong and that they are barking on the wrong trees.

We may not exactly know why these people hate us but surely we know the truth that we did not hurt their feelings. Or maybe we did, maybe we were too naive and we did not notice we are hurting them. But it is so crystal clear; it is not our intention to hurt them.

Indeed, it’s not always easy to forgive someone who shattered our heart. But, if we want a peace of mind then we should always choose to forgive.

Countless times I wished that I can restart everything. Countless times I prayed to leave my old world. Countless times I tried to run away from my people but I can’t because it’s not God’s will. I even asked him once:

“God, why did you let this man hurt me?”

Then suddenly, the face of my friend flashed inside my mind. I remember, I hurt someone as well. I ruined his life. I became toxic in his life too. Maybe, he even asked God why he let me ruined him.

I hope someday he’ll find a way to forgive me. How? I didn’t even ask for forgiveness? I am not trying to compare our situations, but the man who hurt me? He didn’t ask for forgiveness yet I already forgave him. Of course, I’ll still try reconcile with him to save our friendships.

We are not gonna stay on this earth forever. Just like what they say, hating someone is an exhausting way to spend your day.

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