His Cup of Tea

The first time we met. I told him all my imperfections. About how I have scars and marks on my face; that I have anxiety that keeps taunting me every night. I told him my doubts, hatred, insecurities, and negativity.

“I am not what you think I am.” I uttered. I felt sorry for him. I only look good in pictures. I felt like I betrayed and lied to him. I’m someone who’s not worthy for his love.

I was expecting that he’s gonna despise me and walk away, leaving me utterly bereft. Instead, he smiled and stared at me. He was wearing brown shirt and black jeans. His hair was a bit curly and tousled and he smelled like summer.

He said, “the fact that you are saying it to me makes me even love you more.” His eyes were full of love and he meant it. I’m finally someone’s cup of tea.

That day, I felt accepted, loved, and admired. I’m glad I never change who I am just for the idea of being perfect in order to be loved.

2018— Thank U, Next

Normally, for a teenager like me who’s standing on the precipice of adulthood. There are things that make me feel perplexed. There are
days I feel like as if I was walking on the pathless road without knowing what my purpose is.

2018 is one of those years where I experienced being depressed a lot of times. I also had mental breakdown and anxieties. Yet, I survived and I keep on telling that I will continue surviving for my dreams and for the people who are rooting for me.

I used to have this diary where I scribbled my thoughts but as I aged; I’ve realized that it’s not the bunch of blank notes and ballpen I really need but rather a person who I can lean on. A person who has two ears, two hands, and one heart to listen to my unending and outlandish dramas and shenanigans.

As 2018 comes to an end. Here are the 13 things that this year taught me:

1. Your dreams change.
2. Family is more important.
3. You will never decipher God’s ways. Instead of whining and complaining, trust Him instead.
4. If you have 20 friends, only 2 or 3 of them are the ones you can trust.
5. This may sound trite; some people in your life are visitors. Don’t taunt yourself if they chose to leave.
6. I have my two soul-sisters behind me.
7. Every journey has its own ending.
8. You’ll realize that you love yourself if something unexpected happens to you.
9. If you don’t want to regret your choice. Guard your thoughts and emotions.
10. Sadness is ephemeral so does happiness.
11. If your heart desires for something. It desires for a reason. However, be ready to pay the price. Not all success is free. Paulo Coelho once said in his book, “free cheese can only be found in a mouse trap”.
12. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea neither their first choice.
13. God is the author of my life. He knows when and how will my story end.

I once read a quote in our college textbook it says “the evidence of life is growth”. I’ll be 20 next year, who knows, 2019 could be the year that I’ve been waiting for. As of now, I’m kind of excited yet anxious because I’ll be embarking on another year. My empty jars are ready to be filled with memories.

But before I bid my goodbye to the year that is about to end, I have three words to say.

2018,

Thank U, next.

He Knows The Answer

I took my last glimpse of his naked body. It was as white as the color of the cloud in the sky when it is about to rain. His fingers were too cold on my bare skin and his lips were no longer red. Other part of me asked, how does it feel to live beneath the unfathomable void of nothingness?

He knows the answer.

 

 

 

photo: copy to the owner

SERAPHIM

“Why me? Why is it always me?” I asked him. He could see how hurt I was. My tears were drifting. I was deeply hurt.

“Maybe, there is something special about you that other people don’t have. That’s why this is happening?” he said calmly while wrapping me with his arms. I buried my face on his chest for a minute; he smells like a fresh wind of summer; his skin was as soft as the cotton and as white as milk. I can’t thoroughly see his face but my guts told me to trust him. He could decipher my eyes.

“Tell me what is that something special about me? I’m not even that smart. I’m not rich. I’m not talented. I’m not enough. See, there is nothing special about me. But why the world seems against on what I want. Why the world is always against on my dreams? Why people enjoy seeing me suffer? Why life is so mean? Am I that bad or cruel? Why do I need to suffer from this terrible pain?Can’t you see? I’m already living my life in vain!”

I asked him again. But there is no way he could give me the answer. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t have any idea what it feels like to wake up every morning with your heart full of hatred, with your mind swarming with insurmountable and unanswerable questions.

“You know what they usually say? God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. This battle will make you stronger, believe me. It’s okay to rest but don’t quit. This may sound trite but indeed, everything happens for a reason. I know you’ll get through this. The world is not against you. It’s sometime you, it’s sometimes us who’re against to our dreams because we kept on thinking that all of them are too impossible to achieve. Be brave CJ, there is a reason behind everything.”

I nodded and tried to savour every single word he said. His voice was calm, so reassuring. He has a power to lighten the burden inside me. When I opened my eyes I was in my room. It was a dream but it feels so true. He was probably my angel… my seraphim.

 

Photo: copy to the owner