Ellipses

I was too nice to say no
yet I was also afraid to say “I love you”
I am not your “promises” nor your “dreams”…
I am not meant to be broken.
I had two choices to ponder
are you my blessing?
Or just another disaster
maybe both…

2018— Thank U, Next

Normally, for a teenager like me who’s standing on the precipice of adulthood. There are things that make me feel perplexed. There are
days I feel like as if I was walking on the pathless road without knowing what my purpose is.

2018 is one of those years where I experienced being depressed a lot of times. I also had mental breakdown and anxieties. Yet, I survived and I keep on telling that I will continue surviving for my dreams and for the people who are rooting for me.

I used to have this diary where I scribbled my thoughts but as I aged; I’ve realized that it’s not the bunch of blank notes and ballpen I really need but rather a person who I can lean on. A person who has two ears, two hands, and one heart to listen to my unending and outlandish dramas and shenanigans.

As 2018 comes to an end. Here are the 13 things that this year taught me:

1. Your dreams change.
2. Family is more important.
3. You will never decipher God’s ways. Instead of whining and complaining, trust Him instead.
4. If you have 20 friends, only 2 or 3 of them are the ones you can trust.
5. This may sound trite; some people in your life are visitors. Don’t taunt yourself if they chose to leave.
6. I have my two soul-sisters behind me.
7. Every journey has its own ending.
8. You’ll realize that you love yourself if something unexpected happens to you.
9. If you don’t want to regret your choice. Guard your thoughts and emotions.
10. Sadness is ephemeral so does happiness.
11. If your heart desires for something. It desires for a reason. However, be ready to pay the price. Not all success is free. Paulo Coelho once said in his book, “free cheese can only be found in a mouse trap”.
12. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea neither their first choice.
13. God is the author of my life. He knows when and how will my story end.

I once read a quote in our college textbook it says “the evidence of life is growth”. I’ll be 20 next year, who knows, 2019 could be the year that I’ve been waiting for. As of now, I’m kind of excited yet anxious because I’ll be embarking on another year. My empty jars are ready to be filled with memories.

But before I bid my goodbye to the year that is about to end, I have three words to say.

2018,

Thank U, next.

ISN’T IT SO IRONIC?

isn’t it so ironic?
you were surrounded by people
yet you feel alone;
you feel empty;
you feel neglected.

isn’t it so ironic?
you receive countless “I love you” everyday
from the people you love;
from the people you treasure
yet you are wanting silently for that person
who’ll say the same words to you.

Isn’t it so ironic?
the person who flashes a smile
is the person who’s really hurting inside.

Isn’t it so ironic?
The one who tells lies
is the one who’s mostly adored
and the one who tells the truth
is the one who’s mostly hated.

isn’t it so ironic?
you have everything that people can ask for 
Yet, you feel like you need more…
 you were content
but you still want more…

isn’t it so ironic?
the one you used to love
is now the one you despised
for not knowing the reason
but you want to break free
from their arms.

isn’t it so ironic?
the thing you used hate
is now you want to try
is now a thing you can’t live without.

isn’t it so ironic?
the one who betrayed you
is the one you most trusted.

isn’t it so ironic?
the dream you want to have
is not really the dream for you.

isn’t it so ironic?
you worked hard for yourself
but you are not the one
who’ll benefit from it.

isn’t it ironic?
if you are not losing
you are not growing.

isn’t it so ironic?
the one who is taken for granted before
is now the one who matters most.

life is ironic,
you will never fathom the world
tell me if you never ask this yourself
because now… you already know.

words by: CJ SANCHEZ

Strangers On The Same Lane

He was just a stranger—-
and he managed to seize my heart
By his enticing smiles
By his wit
By his alluring charm.
But I promise myself not to fall
For I am not his responsibility to catch;
Because we were just strangers—
we walked on the same lane
yet our hearts will never collide
not forever
not even once…

I Used To Love Darkness

I used to love the darkness;
I used to love its serenity and placidity
I, for no reason try to live with it
but the more I stay there, the more they become unbearable.

I used to love the darkness
I used to love its calmness
Until I hear the eerie voices;
voices only I can hear.

I used to love the darkness
even its deafening silence
I may never know what creature will lurk
Perhaps… my madness

I used to love the darkness
Now it’s a thing I certainly detest
I wish I could step outside of myself
I want to free from this worn body
…but there were too many chains.

Victim

Please,
the next time you will try
to hurt me.
Be sure you have a knife.
Stab me in front
not behind my back.
Do it-
If you are really
strong enough
to kill
a person
whose only intention
is to find peace.

IF

If your love dies
If there are no more blue skies
If your skin withered
If happiness cascaded
Before you miss me
open your eyes,
discern the reality
Before the world ends
I only have favors to ask
Bury me while I am sleeping,
bury me while I am breathing,
Bury me while I am crying.
I’ve experienced death before
and Death doesn’t terrify me.

 

Ephemeral

Everything is ephemeral,
If you opposed
then tell me something
that lasts forever.
Nothing,
No one.
Don’t tell it’s love;
it dies,
Don’t tell me it’s the memory;
it fades,
Don’t tell it’s you;
that is something
too surreal
To be true.

Last Time

The last time
I saw him,
I told myself
he was my past.
The last time
he kissed me
I told myself
He was just a dream.
The last he whispered
I love you
I told myself
He was my nightmare.
But the last time
I told myself
that I don’t love him anymore
was the moment
I recall,
I still am…

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