I’m Allowed to Miss You Even There is No “US”

You don’t have any idea how much my heart hammers every time I see your name on my phone screen. You don’t have any idea how much I enjoy talking to you even though sometimes, I think I was just your past time. I love making you laugh. I don’t care if I look stupid as long as I make our conversation interesting and funny. The truth is, I wasn’t like this before until I met you.

You don’t have any idea how many times I screamed every time you call me “pretty”. A compliment from a person whom you really like really means a lot isn’t? I wish you can see me blush but I know you’ll just laugh at me like you usually do.

You don’t have any idea how you make me feel jealous every time I see a girl on your Instagram stories. I know I don’t have the right to tell you that because again, there is no “us”.

You don’t have any idea how many times I pretend that I wasn’t sleepy just to listen to your stories. I love the way you share your negativities and secrets to me. It made me feel that somehow I was important for you too.

I sometimes hate the “waiting” game we play. I wish I could tell you that I want your time and your delayed responses made me feel like I was a nuisance.

It’s funny how I keep forgetting that you were not really mine and I’m not allowed to own you.

But I want you to know that I miss you.

I miss you every day and I always wait for your messages. I long for your stories. I wish you were not busy. I wish you were here.

I miss your jokes. I miss the songs that you sing for me. I miss sending you my filtered pictures and ask you what you think about it? I miss staying up late just to talk to you.

But you know what? Sometimes, I miss people so bad that I stop missing them at all.

So, I don’t know how long will it take to miss you. Maybe soon enough, I’ll find myself not thinking about you anymore. For now, I’ll let myself miss you even there is no “us”.

2019- A Year of Breakthrough and Rough Waters

The time sways too fast I’m afraid I might miss everything. I am scared of the fact that one day, when I open my eyes, there is no one but me. The idea of my parents growing older, my best friends walking away to find their great perhaps really scares me. I am afraid to be left behind. Time is a thing that we cannot control. It’s unstoppable. In order to enjoy time, don’t waste any of it. You lost amazing moment of your life if you’re wasting time.

This year, I was busy writing poems for someone who loved prose. I was not the hero of my own story. I let the opinions of people dictate what I should do and what I should be. The footprints of the people who left me utterly bereft was still a fresh page.  But nonetheless, 2019 is indeed a year to remember.

How should I sum up my 2019?

Well, it’s teeming with breakthroughs and rough waters. There were healing, forgiveness, letting go, moving forward, and burning bridges. But here’s the list of the months that became the highlight of my year:

  • February15- I turned 20
  • June- I graduated college and managed to overcome my depression and sickness.
  • July- I got my first teaching job in my Alma mater and met my first offspring (Grade 11 Arts and Design, ICT, GAS, and HE).
  • September- I passed my board exam which for me was the greatest blessing I’ve received this year.

If 2018 taught me to be grateful, 2019 taught me these; It has taught me to know the value of things, the value of my dreams, and the value of memories. It taught me that if you appreciate small things, you’ll appreciate life, if you appreciate life, you’ll appreciate to live.

Before I bid my goodbye to the year that is about to end, just like last year, I have three words to say.

2019,

Thank U, next.

I Miss You But I Don’t Want To Admit It

Yes, I do miss you.
I miss you everyday and there is no single day that I don’t think about you. I miss our late night talks. I miss the sound of your laughter. I miss our shenanigans. I miss everything about you. I miss us.

But I don’t wanna message you or text you and say I’m longing for your existence. I’ll not be the first one to approach you and ask you if you were okay. I don’t wanna feel worthless again. Never again. I miss you but I’m afraid to admit because part of me knows that it’s not me who you really need. You are expecting for someone and I know it’s not me. It was never me in the first place.

I miss you but I’m not going to admit it because I know you’ll take me for granted again. I don’t want you to think that your existence matters a lot (though it is). I want you to think that for once, I can walk alone without you by my side. I don’t want you to think that I’m that someone you can talk when you’re bored. I’m not your past time.

I miss you but I have to act like I don’t just to save my heart. I’m tired of being your second choice. It’s now time to let go. Maybe I deserve to miss someone better and it’s not you.

Not all their I love you means they will stay

I’m glad you left because you proved me that not all “I love you” means people will stay.
Their “I love you” doesn’t mean I’ll always be their cup of tea. There will be someone who’s even more important than me and it’s completely okay. Their “I love you” doesn’t always mean they have to prioritize me. Their “I love you” doesn’t mean they’ll always be there. Maybe they’re not always available to save me from the clouds of sadness. Their “I love you” doesn’t always mean they will never leave. Their “I love you” doesn’t always mean “I love you forever”. Maybe it’s “I love you” now  but tomorrow, “I’m sorry”. 

 

It’s completely okay. We might be family, best friends, soul-sisters, or soulmate but I know soon you’re gonna leave because we have different “great perhaps”.

These people are not mine they belong to themselves. Maybe it’s already enough to know that they loved me and they became part of my life. After all,  growing takes a great amount of pain and lost. I will not grow if I’m not gonna learn how to be alone.

 

An open letter to the people who keep saying “stop being negative”

My bad side is as bad as my pleasant side is pleasant.

You don’t have to taunt me for being negative. If you are tired of dealing with my negativity; you’re not late yet to walk away. You don’t have to feel sorry for me. You don’t have to tell me to change my negative attitude because believe me I’ve tried that many times. I’ve said that to myself many times. If you think changing my negativity is as easy as changing your favorite color, honey, you’re mistaken. I know you’re just trying to help as you said but you’re not being helpful at all.

If you are tired of dealing with my negativity, you’re not late yet to walk away.

You can judge me. You can despise me. You can say anything you want to say. But please, you don’t have to force me to be positive all the time. I won’t say sorry for being pessimistic because I know this is my choice. It’s always been my choice and maybe you wouldn’t understand why.

But there’s a huge reason I chose to think negatively and I don’t have to explain everything just for people to accept me. I’m sorry but I’m fine on my own.

But if you are one of those people who believed in me despite of negativity; thank you… you are for keeps.

I am an imperfect person but I am perfectly made for myself

I was the beautiful question mark
in the world full of words.
I’ve learned how to create beautiful fragments
from the debris of my shattered past.

Talk about your place in this world,
Even in your tiny opinions, people are meant to oppose you.
You cannot play victim all the time,
sometimes, it feels good to be the killer.

the ones who will betray you
are the ones you most trusted.
In this world full of lies,
the mainstream word is “my beloved”

I was belittled;
I was told to be a trying hard.
They doubted me
and I doubted myself.

I was once the slave of the world
who puts blindfolds in my eyes.
We are all slave of something; we are not still free.
We will never be free and freedom is not actually free.

There is nothing wrong for
being proud even once.
There is nothing wrong
wearing your crown even once.

I used to think I was responsible
for things
I should not possibly be responsible for.
Realization told me;
Nothing and no one in this world are worth keeping.

I’ve been through a lot
but I won’t let people see my vulnerability
Only I, must know the real me
Only I, can dictate what I should be.
So, I don’t care if no one appreciates me.

cropped-71a8a6c6-ec61-414f-916b-6a4a882dd905-1.jpg

Because one thing is certain
in this ephemeral world,
I am an imperfect person
but, I am perfectly made for myself.

I HOPE THIS TIME YOU WILL REMEMBER ME

I don’t want to be overdramatic but for once I want you to remember me. I want you to remember those days we laughed at my silly shenanigans. I want you to remember those days I couldn’t hold back my tears and you let me cried on your shoulder. I want you to remember how I giggled over our cute selfies. I want you to remember how you frowned when I said, “I can’t. It’s impossible”. I want you to remember how you pretend to listen about the book I finished last night. I’m pretty sure you can’t relate because you hate reading. I want you to remember the first time I became brokenhearted over my crush who was already taken. You laughed at me and then you said “You’re too hopeless!”. You even gloated, “it was you who hurt yourself” you said. I want you to remember the day we listened to your favorite country songs that I couldn’t even decipher the lyrics and you were mad. You said I didn’t appreciate it. I want you to remember how we became engrossed in the movie we watched. I remember, that was the first time I saw you cried. You said, real men are not afraid to cry.

I want you to remember those crazy chats and text messages. I want you to remember my favorite songs. I want you to remember how we fought and you kept on messaging me, asking me if I was still mad. I want you to remember the days we just sighed. I want you to remember all of my dramas in life. I want you also to remember the first day we met. It also happened to be the first day of school and you were my seatmate. You asked if I had an extra pen and I just rolled my eyes. Well, who knows that you’ll be my best friend.

You know, you’re one of the best things that has ever happened to me. We were both an open book.   Now, you’re going somewhere far from me. It was your dream, isn’t? It was your dream job and your dream country.

I hope this time, you will remember me. I hope you will remember these. Maybe the next time we will meet again, we are both brave enough to say our feelings out loud. Maybe not.

They said, some people are not meant to stay in our life. So enjoy the days while they are here. I am glad. I did.

 

Photo: copy to the owner

To The Woman Who Taught Me Everything

To the woman who never gets tired of listening to my tantrums and complaints. To the woman who will never taunt me if I fall. To the woman who understands my weakness. To the woman who embraced my flaws. To the woman who listens to my outlandish dramas. To the woman who laughs at my not-so-funny jokes. To the woman who always ready to listen to my negativity. To the woman who I can always lean on. To the woman who taught me that there is hope. To the woman who taught me to pray and to have faith in God. To the woman who never gets tired of loving me. To the woman who has seen my dark sides yet still loves me ceaselessly. To the woman who never gives up. To the woman who’s teeming with knowledge and bountiful love. Thank you. Thank you for the sacrifices you have made so that we could have everything we needed. I am not who I am today without you. I love you. You’re God’s greatest gift for us. Happy Mother’s Day ♥️🌼🌸

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Processed with VSCO with b5 preset

Glimpse of Idea


Today, I walked pass the stranger and I wonder what he thinks about me when our gaze collided. Today, I answered my professor’s question and I wonder what she thinks about me. Today, I wonder what my friends think about me if we’re not together. Today, I wonder what my mom thinks about me when I was cozily sleeping on her bed. Today, I wonder what my father thinks about me when I sang his favorite song. Today, I wonder what God thinks about me whenever I say “I can’t continue anymore.”, “Life doesn’t make sense.” or “That’s it! I gave up.”. I wonder what He thinks about me whenever I am doubting myself. Today, I wonder what the devil thinks about me whenever I am praying. Today, I just wonder what people think about me. Can I dive deeper inside their minds and read every single word that they can say about me? Is that even possible?

 

I always wish I could read people’s mind. So that, somehow I could have that glimpse of idea of who I really am. Because you know what, the most painful thing is not losing yourself. It’s the idea of not knowing who you really are.

SILENT CRY

I was lying on my ransacked bed;
I can hear the sound of the creepy bell—-
of an old, obsolete, and haunted church;
It gives chill through my whole body.

The cold and melancholic wind
was trying to seep through the windows
Of my frigid and lifeless room.
The whole universe was overpowered by darkness.

I thought it was just a cinch—-
To be free from the voices who are singing
Inside your head;
like, there was a ventriloquist living inside it.

And I was their slave
I don’t know how to fight
It’s hard..
It’s hard to fight when your enemy is yourself.

Every night, when the wind traipses the corner of my room
There’s an incantation that I hear
I want to be free—-
But they are living inside me.

Am I insane?
Asking myself in front of the mirror,
I can see the lifeless reflection of a man—-
Looking so dull and unhappy
But trying to be resilient.

the unheard remorse,
the wounded heart,
the sound of a weeping heart,
a blood that is coursing down through his finger tip
There was no life at all
He’s breathing and yet he’s dead.

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