Last Time

The last time
I saw him,
I told myself
he was my past.
The last time
he kissed me
I told myself
He was just a dream.
The last he whispered
I love you
I told myself
He was my nightmare.
But the last time
I told myself
that I don’t love him anymore
was the moment
I recall,
I still am…

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Perilous Trap

The last time
I glimpsed
At his face
I warned myself
Not to be enthralled
By his mischievous smile
He was not my Cupid
He was a trap
and I won’t forgive myself
Once I let myself fall
For his deceptive charm
He will not save me,
I am not his responsibility
to catch.

The Sad Girl’s Wishes

Christian Jay Sanchez

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I wish, I was that girl whom you called beautiful. I wish, I was that girl
you texted every night. I wish, I was that girl you hugged when the rain
was pouring heavily. I wish, I was that girl whom you loved more than yourself. I wish, I was that girl in the photo. I wish I was that girl who slept on your lap. I wish, I was that girl you wanted to marry. How I wish, I was that girl so I may know what it feels like to be loved by you.

Words by: CJ Sanchez
Photo: Copy to the owner.

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I’m Tired of…

I’m tired of being unhappy
I’m tired of dealing with my anxieties
I’m tired of being a coward
I’m tired of being depressed
I’m tired of being sick
I’m tired of being hopeless
I’m tired of dreaming
I’m tired of blaming myself
I’m tired of crying
I’m tired of doubting myself
I’m tired of being the slave of my sin
I’m tired of reminiscing my painful past
I’m tired of dealing with these ominous creatures inside my head
I’m tired of being with toxic people
I’m tired of befriending my enemies
I’m tired of pleasing people
I’m tired of aiming
I’m tired of whining
I’m tired of over-thinking
I’m tired of reconciling
I’m tired of proving
I’m of everything
Most of all
I’m tired of failing God all over again.
I’m tired of accusing him why these things happening to me when in fact these are all my choice.
I’m tired. Exhausted. Ashamed of myself. I wish I could restart everything.

SERAPHIM

“Why me? Why is it always me?” I asked him. He could see how hurt I was. My tears were drifting. I was deeply hurt.

“Maybe, there is something special about you that other people don’t have. That’s why this is happening?” he said calmly while wrapping me with his arms. I buried my face on his chest for a minute; he smells like a fresh wind of summer; his skin was as soft as the cotton and as white as milk. I can’t thoroughly see his face but my guts told me to trust him. He could decipher my eyes.

“Tell me what is that something special about me? I’m not even that smart. I’m not rich. I’m not talented. I’m not enough. See, there is nothing special about me. But why the world seems against on what I want. Why the world is always against on my dreams? Why people enjoy seeing me suffer? Why life is so mean? Am I that bad or cruel? Why do I need to suffer from this terrible pain?Can’t you see? I’m already living my life in vain!”

I asked him again. But there is no way he could give me the answer. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t have any idea what it feels like to wake up every morning with your heart full of hatred, with your mind swarming with insurmountable and unanswerable questions.

“You know what they usually say? God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. This battle will make you stronger, believe me. It’s okay to rest but don’t quit. This may sound trite but indeed, everything happens for a reason. I know you’ll get through this. The world is not against you. It’s sometime you, it’s sometimes us who’re against to our dreams because we kept on thinking that all of them are too impossible to achieve. Be brave CJ, there is a reason behind everything.”

I nodded and tried to savour every single word he said. His voice was calm, so reassuring. He has a power to lighten the burden inside me. When I opened my eyes I was in my room. It was a dream but it feels so true. He was probably my angel… my seraphim.

 

Photo: copy to the owner

The Truth About Hate & Forgiveness

We are surrounded by diverse people in our lives. No matter how hard we tried to avoid some of them, we still find ourselves apparently, inside their cabin. It must be hard for us to deny the truth, but we know somehow that these people, no matter how toxic they are. They still imparted a lesson for us. They are the reasons why we can forgive. They are the reasons why we can take the risk just to prove them wrong and that they are barking on the wrong trees.

We may not exactly know why these people hate us but surely we know the truth that we did not hurt their feelings. Or maybe we did, maybe we were too naive and we did not notice we are hurting them. But it is so crystal clear; it is not our intention to hurt them.

Indeed, it’s not always easy to forgive someone who shattered our heart. But, if we want a peace of mind then we should always choose to forgive.

Countless times I wished that I can restart everything. Countless times I prayed to leave my old world. Countless times I tried to run away from my people but I can’t because it’s not God’s will. I even asked him once:

“God, why did you let this man hurt me?”

Then suddenly, the face of my friend flashed inside my mind. I remember, I hurt someone as well. I ruined his life. I became toxic in his life too. Maybe, he even asked God why he let me ruined him.

I hope someday he’ll find a way to forgive me. How? I didn’t even ask for forgiveness? I am not trying to compare our situations, but the man who hurt me? He didn’t ask for forgiveness yet I already forgave him. Of course, I’ll still try reconcile with him to save our friendships.

We are not gonna stay on this earth forever. Just like what they say, hating someone is an exhausting way to spend your day.